Category Archives: Feelings

Depression

I am Depressed!
But I don’t want to die; I’m depressed because I want to live. What I’m trying to say is I’m not suicidal.
I don’t just want to exist; I am here, I have a physical effect on my surroundings, I die, end of story.
This life is a very precious thing I want to use it to its fullest, I feel I am wasting away here in this role that I have found myself in.
Its not the part I’m meant to play in this performance called life, its like I’ve been… Miscast. I feel like I fell asleep a long time ago and woke up, here, this far down the road in a place and time I don’t recognise.
Don’t get me wrong it’s my own fault and I’m fully aware of that, I have the ability to do anything, be anything I want, and now all this sounds like so much self-pity. But I know why this has happened.
I’ve been on a downward spiral, where my self-confidence is concerned, since I lost my job in the Theatre, its been gradual in that respect and a build up of pressures and stresses at work in my current job don’t help, I’ll get to that later.
Apparently I should feel lucky I have a job, especially in the current economy, but I want to make a mark, leave a lasting legacy, and to be honest I don’t think that’s something I can achieve in my current job.
Having done my best and staying strong in the face of horrendous adversity for the better part of five years I had to (for the sake of my mental health) give up my supervisor’s position. Since going back to being a porter my brain is un-taxed and going to waste, all I can do is try not to stop during my shift. To try and avoid not only thinking about all that has caused these feelings and issues but also the other staff members who caused so much anguish and pain in my life.
I was bullied terribly as a child; I have however moved on from and dealt with the demons of those days, which makes it all the harder to admit (at the age of 37) that you have been bullied out of your job.
The damage is done the meds are helping however I have no option but to move away, move on, if I ever wish to get better. I’m not running away I’m crawling towards (something) I have to keep telling myself that or I’ll end up just circling the drain before age finally flushes me away.
Keep fighting folks no matter how hard it gets, to paraphrase – never give up, never surrender!

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